The Next Chapter
December 19, 2017 · Posted in Personal
I spent the last two and a half years of my life in a relationship with someone that broke up with me in an email and blocked me from everywhere a week before Christmas, my favourite holiday. It had been a very rough couple of months for us, as we were transiting into both of us attending university. I was blocked and broken up with at least once a week, but still managed to do amazing during my first semester of university. He didn’t do so well, and he blamed me for it. He blamed me for just about everything. I came to him with my achievements, I wanted to make him proud more than anything in the world, and he dismissed them. He dismissed me.
We had a break from talking for the past three weeks because he decided that we needed to focus all of our energy on our final exams, and that he had no reason for being the way that he was being with me. I disagreed, but he promised me that we would talk about it and work things out during Christmas break. Instead, I received an email from him breaking up with me. He said that while I probably miss him, he doesn’t miss me and he has never been happy in the relationship.
I wanna get mad, I wanna yell and scream and cry, and I have, but I recognize that it’s my own damn fault. I gave my heart away to someone that was unworthy, who proved it time and time again. The red flags were everywhere, but I chose to ignore them. He has severe mental health issues, so I always gave him the benefit of the doubt and thought that all of the pain would be worth it in the end.
I gave up everything for him. I put all of my energy into him and completely neglected myself. But this taught me a very valuable lesson. NEVER give yourself up for another person and NEVER settle for anything less than what you deserve.
I would be lying if I said that I wouldn’t go back to him in a heartbeat if he messaged me as this very moment and said that he was sorry and that he wasn’t in his right mind. My love runs deeper for him than I will ever be able to comprehend. There’s so many things that I just don’t understand. But one of the biggest is the fact that he said that he wanted our relationship to end on good terms, yet he broke up with me in an email and didn’t even have the decency to say it to my face. And then, to torture me further, as I was crying and sending him hundreds of messages from different accounts and trying to talk to him, he uploaded a brand new profile picture of himself.
He did say one thing in the email that was incredibly true: “Why would you wanna force someone to be in a relationship with you when they don’t want to?” (Not an exact quote because I don’t want to go back and read the email again). I deserve to be in a relationship with someone that wants to be with me. Someone that loves me and wants to make me happy and celebrate in all my success. I don’t know who that person is yet. I thought that it was him, and maybe it still could be. But one thing I know for sure is that I’m never going to put up with the shit that I’ve been through again.
I didn’t know my worth when we started dating, but I do now. I’m an amazing person that has so much love to offer. I’m not perfect; nobody is. I have made my fair share of mistakes in the relationship and I have always acknowledged them. And I have a whole lot of other issues that prevent me from living my life to the fullest.
2018 is going to be a new chapter in my life. I’m going to be as strong as I possibly can and make it through each day one step at a time. It’s definitely not going to be easy. I’m probably going to start crying again after posting these tweets. I am in deep physical, emotional and psychological pain, and I’ve gone through just about every single stage of grief over the past 24 hours. But starting today, I am going to live my life for me. Maybe one day we will be able to be together, when we’re older and have our shit together, but for now, I’m just going to do me.